turn on your lovelight

I was raped. There, I said it. Not many people know. My parents certainly don't...I was less than a  month into my 17th year and I was still a virgin and I was raped by a guy in a famous rock band. I can recall all the details as though it happened yesterday, not more than 20 years ago. I thank God it wasn't worse - I could've gotten pregnant or caught some horrible disease...but it was pretty freakin' awful, especially when he got off the bus and high-fived his bandmate. I shook like a leaf in the cool Colorado rain (to borrow a partial phrase). I thought I brought it on by the revealing clothes I wore. I thought I brought it on b/c we were kissing and I asked him to go somewhere more private, having no idea he'd take me to the tour bus bed, which is the size of a coffin. It felt like a coffin. Part of me died that day. I begged him not to, told him I'd never had sex before, but he didn't believe me and went on with it. I had no room to move in a coffin built for one person. To borrow another phrase - am I the victim or the crime? It took my  best friend at the time to tell me I was raped. I didn't understand. I don't know that I've ever truly processed it. I think it's affected many of my poor decisions since then, my regrets, my shame/s . It's invalidated me in a way I never thought it could...well, that coupled with the invalidation from my childhood (unintentional, I'm sure). Is this why I'm so fucked up? I can't keep blaming my past though. I need to take control of my present and future. But I know I have some deep burning issues that stem from my childhood and the rape and the arrest. Oh I didn't mention that? And having my heart broken all in a year and a half's time. Part of what saved me is the Grateful Dead. The music, the scene, the men with the voices like angels, the man with the shorts. Turn on Your LoveLight.... I'm trying.