progress or not?

Just got back from a short Memorial Day visit to see Dad. We arrived late Thursday night and I was pretty out of it (tired), so I didn't notice that Dad seemed confused and a bit out of it as well. The next morning, he was not making much sense either. Then he got a radiation treatment and a steroid shot and he became much more coherent. Through the TK grapevine, I heard that he's had several seizures lately and has stopped both working and driving. His brain is swollen and they don't really know why. Also, his multiple doctors said that with any other patient, they'd put him in hospice. I'm not sure if they aren't putting him in there b/c he's an oncologist or because he's a stubborn dude and wouldn't go anyway. What I do know is that hospice is where they send people to die. When there's nothing else to do to treat the patient. His appetite has nearly disappeared and his body is withering away. His grouchiness is growing-- but wouldn't yours if you knew you were at the end of your life. I simply cannot imagine what goes through his head. He sleeps 18-20 hours per day. I want so badly for him to have fun during his last days....I'm trying to deal with all this through watching Grateful Dead DVDs and probably taking more pain pills than I should. My husband got upset with me last night and I felt so very small, like an ugly insect crawling through a crack in the wall. I just smoked and it kicked in everything else big time, so apparently I was talking nonsense, or starting sentences and not remembering what I'm talking about midway through. I know I'm doing it too, which is kinda scary. It's like it makes sense in my head, but doesn't come out the right way. He told me he's worried about me, and had a very serious, sad look on his face. He worries about me, I worry mostly about everyone else but myself. Sometimes I do worry about my Rxs. The pain pills definitely help with my mood in addition to the pain itself.,,I've felt like a horrible wife lately. He does so much for me, especially in the realm of my emotions. Me? I don't know if I'm there enough for him. He's got emotions too, just like every man, whether they admit it or not. Not just that either. I don't get things done. He might ask for me to do a very simple task, but it seems like he has to ask multiple times before I do anything. I'm so bloody lazy. I don't even keep up with this blog as much as I should. Should should should. I'm always...often using the Shoulds. Here I go into my therapy terminology. I need not call myself lazy, just my lack of activity...back to being a bad wife. I'm home most of the time and I don't go out and do the grocery shopping and fix him dinner every night. There are external things that make that difficult, however - as a vegetarian, it truly grosses me out to cook meat, especially chicken with that nasty white tendon running through the breast. Gag. We're both picky in our own ways, which doesn't help. I'm a boring cook, if you could even call me a cook. I want to be able to just throw stuff together to make a delish healthy meal, and that certainly doesn't happen. I collect recipes that I never use. If I could just make everything vegetarian (or change to be an omnivore, which will never happen) it would be easier. I think today I will go through some of my recipes and have a nice dinner waiting for him this evening...I take care of the financial stuff, but I haven't even been keeping up with that much lately. I was actually late on a payment, but thankfully they removed the extra fees and didn't raise my interest rate...He's really on me about getting serious about my health. What have I done about it? Ate two more donuts for brekkie. I'm getting fatter by the hour. Can't I just go outside for a walk? Perhaps today will be a good day for that - it's not over 80 and humid as. But the latter isn't even an excuse. I have DVDs and a phone app with exercises on it. Should be so easy. And I am so disgusted with my body, it just makes me want to eat more. I used to not eat when I was ultra depressed. Now it's the opposite. Wth? He just wants what's best for me and for me to take care of myself. Even if I can't do it for myself, I should do it for him. "I need you around," he told me last night...We had a talk a couple nights prior discussing my pill dependence and how I was not making any sense when I was talking, or I couldn't finish a sentence. That scares both of us. The worst thing that could happen to me would be to lose him somehow. I doubt he'd leave me, because he's too good of a guy, but you never know. I so often feel like a burden on him. That, among many other things, makes me sad. I even occasionally mention that and he laughs it off and tells me I'm not -- but he's got so much crap he has to deal with, then he comes home to a messy house, a fat wife and makes his own dinner. That isn't right. I'm not talking about being a old-school housewife, but I'm not really working - outside OR inside the home. So I should be up on the laundry and cleaning and doing things for him. I just feel like a waste of life sometimes...There's so much more to write about that subject, but I don't want to get into it right now. Bobby is on the telly singing Looks Like Rain. Some things take priority. hahahah