the family

What is family? Is it always the people who raised you or were raised with you? I don't believe that necessarily. Perhaps that's because my originating family is so fu**ed up. All of us have serious issues, some worse than others. My dad's dying of cancer, but he's also been having an affair for over 20 years, and it's my guess that there have been more than one. He should've done the right thing and divorced my mom years and years ago. They tried to stay together for the kids...and in the meantime all us kids are messed up from the constant chaos. I would've divorced my mother a long time ago if I was him. She's...got issues. She's a perfectionist with inappropriate filters. Or really, a lack of a filter. She's deeply depressed, but won't do anything about it (though I understand not wanting to take a bunch of pills and hit therapy all the time). She may be have some other mental issues, undiagnosed. She had a tempestuous relationship with her own mother and an unhealthy love for her father, since he actually showed her affection. So she has unresolved childhood issues that lead into a poor choice for marriage. Oh that is a whole other post, my mom. Especially about my wedding....my older brother has serious issues with women mainly b/c of her. His anger issues are rampant, but becoming more under control due to heavy therapy. His shyness, which is less than it used to be, is still daunting to many. He's actually much more balanced than the second (me) and third kid. The youngest somehow managed to miss a lot of the chaos, b/c, well, I don't know how. He's in therapy too and I am so proud of how well-adjusted he is. But us two middle kids are chaos incarnate. Especially my middle brother. He is an enraged alcoholic and addict who abuses a number of things and he's in a tortuous long-distance relationship. They met in rehab. Great eh? I know he's lonely but he's got a lot of work to do to himself before he can be with anyone else. And no matter how low he goes - legally dead, suicidal etc -- it doesn't seem to be rock bottom for him. My biggest fear for him is that...well, I don't know. Dead is the only bottom for him, it seems. I don't want that obviously. But I don't want him to continue to suffer in the mire like he has been for the past 15+ years -- that's not even including all the pain he's caused this family. He has no idea.... I'm trying to let go, like I keep being told, but he's my brother and we're close despite this shit....I'm over this entry. TMI