It's not about me, is it? Because if it is, I can't help you. I'm not sure who I am, really. I can tell you who he is, as I look down at the curve of his sleeping face, glowing in the soft light from the lamp. He is kind. He is caring. He is loving. He is hilarious. He is intelligent. He is articulate, Christian, likely Libertarian, but he'll always say Anarchist. He loves his family. He loves children, though neither of us wants our own. He teaches Sunday School. He works for a non-profit in a literary capacity, mostly kids, but some adults. His heart is transparent. Is he too good for me? Sometimes I wonder...I caress his cheek and gently wake him up from his Valium-induced nap, which he desperately needs. The accusations against him are so malicious and career-ending; it's simply unbelievable. I'm trying. I'm trying to understand what is happening with him...I'm trying to understand what just happened with me? Who threw me under the bus and why? He's asking pretty much the same questions. But for greater consequential answers. I'm considering the fact that I'm going to have to stop calling myself a producer. I can still call myself a writer, or can I? I start these fucking blogs all the time and never get past 3 - 5 entries. I don't write every day. Hell, I don't even write every month, unless I'm actually working, which has been about 3-5 times since my dad was diagnosed. So no, I'm not much of a writer either...I'm up for a gig at church, which I thought would be a full-time producer. It's more of an assistant/program manager position. And they already told me that even $1000/week is way out of their league. But I can't continue to associate myself and my success with how much money I feel I'm entitled to. I'm not "entitled" to anything. Everything I have is because of God...but if so how come I live in and through so much pain. Much the pain of others. My own fault, no doubt. I just don't know how to change myself. And boy do I need to. I weigh 20 lbs more than my previous heaviest and that makes me a fat pig who can't control herself when it comes to Keebler's Grasshopper....