The end is near

The end is near. Death is nigh. My dad will be gone forever in a matter of days, most likely. I'm having a difficult time even writing about it, but figured I'd get out some of my emotion this way. Maybe so, maybe not. I'm trying to be strong, but I'm weak. I'm trying not to cry, but my eyes are like a fast-moving river. I'm trying to take my mind off of it, but I'm writing about it. He's laying there in his bed, barely able to move. He's pale and gaunt. This I know even though I haven't seen him since Memorial Day weekend. I couldn't/can't go and see him like this...though my imagination is a tornado with images and thoughts I can't seem to control...just got back from a short trip to Cincinnati to celebrate my mom's 70th and my youngest brother's 30th. Just landed back home and my mom calls me with the news that he's gotten a lot worse. His wife texted me that he hasn't spoken since last Monday, as I had asked if I could talk to him to say goodbye. So I don't even get the chance to say a final goodbye. I did write him a nice letter for Father's Day, which he read and enjoyed. I told him I loved him and forgave him for what he's done and that I hope he forgives me for all of my mistakes. I'm sure he does. I know he loves me deeply....but that doesn't cut through my already shredded heart... I am Avon's exploding heart. I am Avon's river eyes...I'm trying, but nothing can fill the hole in my heart that I carved out three and a half years ago when he was first diagnosed...This is not working either....