As of 9:09 pm yesterday, Saturday July 19th, my father is gone. He's gone and he's never coming back. He's gone.
I'm not sure what I am feeling. Oddly, at ~9:15, I had texted my dad's wife asking what the best way to say good bye would be. He was already gone by then. Apparently he went into a coma at some .
point - both mom and his wife said "deep sleep". I've barely spoken with any of my brothers about this...oh except for being the one who broke the news to R and mom last. Not sure who called B, but my older bro got the call from Dad's wife and he called C to then tell me (idk what happened to my spelling and editing, but this is being written late and I've got no-one to edit this for me). After C got B1's info on what happened, he came over to me and laid down on me and told me he loved me and then whispered- "he's gone. Dad has passed." I certainly didn't react the way I expected myself to. I barely shed tears, posted missing-dog-or....See I'm not even making sense writing right now. I have no idea what this ^^ is all about...anyway, I wasn't a bobbleheaded crying mess either...As o f right now, [another deleted sentence making no sense]. Wow, see this is already to on...not making any sense. My brain is gobbledy-gook from all the sedatives et al I am currently on. yet I'm awake and I looks like I'm going to eat an entire box of Fiber One Lemon Snax. mmm. ... I am in complete denial that I can't call my dad up and talk trash against whoever was playing the Packers or Badgers or Ducks or Bucks. I can never call him up to find out what meds or special gargling treatment I can use to soothe my achy joints. He fought hard for over 3 1/2 years against this ferocious cancer...I'll never again hear the joy in his voice when he talked about his island home and how beautiful all the flowers and herons and the tides rolling in and out (unlike my childhood, during which I rarely complimented the city etc). I'll never see a new smile from him. He'll never beat me at UNO and Yahtzee again. We'll never laugh with him as he tries and invariably fails to exactly quote a movie (I do that all the time though too - I unintentionally paraphrase quotes), or mispronounces words for our amusement.
yeah, yeah -- I knew it was coming. For over three years, I knew it could happen any day, but i still had hope that God would heal him. I knew every time we/I went to see him could possibly be the last time I'd see him. But it still doesn't take away any of the shock when it actually happens. I'm a bit sad that one of our Phish shows falls directly on his birthday. That's happened before - when I saw the Phish at The Gorge (George, Washington). I remember baking in the sun, hoping that other people would be quick with their calls at PayPhones! Remember those? haaha. But I called and wished him a happy birthday.
This post is such a rambling mess. I will finish right after these statements :
I'm gonna try and read this tomorrow and ask, wtf am I thiking.
If people actually read this, what's the reaction gonna be. I don't kmow who I was trying to kill (sorry, CLUE flashback.
Stopped Making sense at the beginning. bye
