tears of

As the tears run down my face like a turbulent river, I don't even know why I'm crying. I mean, I do - there are several reasons, but nothing makes much sense right now. And I often wonder when people speak of tears of happiness if that really exists. I've had tears of sadness, being overwhelmed, and undeclared, but I don't think I've ever cried out of sheer joy or happiness. Even at my wedding, where my heart was bursting with elation, I didn't cry. But now it seems a day doesn't go by when I'm not in tears for some unpleasant reason. I even cried last night when watching the ending of How I Met Your Mother - a show I rarely even watch. Why did they have to make the mother die? They could've just gotten a freakin' divorce. I guess I'm overwhelmed right now. We have zero income, a high rent, and many bills, not to even mention health insurance issues. Between my chronic body pain and constant depression, I'm a bloody mess. And I'm also censoring myself. For instance, I would've written "I'm an F*&()^% mess" but I've been told that I've been writing/posting a bit too crazily lately. But I am who I am, right? I'm trying. I'm trying to not be a puddle of sludge, but that's what I feel like. I know other people are going through much worse trials than I/we are, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong to feel wrong. Right? I started this blog with the intention of just writing to write, to practice, to be able to really call myself a writer, but it's turned into a journal of negativity. I'm trying not to be so negative. I'm trying to keep on truckin' - nothing left to do but smile smile smile. But even that phrase makes me a little sad b/c it's from a Grateful Dead song called He's Gone and that title alone has a lot of variant meanings to me right now. Maybe this can turn into one of those ultra depressing memoirs that people are writing these days to make other people feel better about themselves. Hey, at least you don't have to deal with X, Y, Z, 1, 2, 3; but this is what I'm going through right now. I got fired from a job with no heads up, no explanation and really no reasonable, um, reason. And a person who claimed to be my friend who was involved has done nothing to help the situation except try to excuse herself from blame. I was blown sideways. I expected them to extend my contract, due to scheduling, not fire me, rudely, on a Monday afternoon at 4:00 pm. I lost out on a month's income, which was a lot of money...then probably less than a week later, came the vicious claims against my husband, none of which are anywhere close to the truth. He's being punished, severely, for being a kind and gentle soul. Tears of anger....Just got back from an almost 10 day visit with my ailing father, who is weaker and weaker by the day. And had to endure hours upon hours of his wife's yammering about everything and nothing. I mean, she's an intelligent lady, but she's completely un-self-aware and thinks I want to hear stories about her early days with my dad...which occurred while he was still married to my mother. No, thank you, I don't care about your shitty kids, with whom she talks multiple times a day. Hmmm, something's not right with that. You need to talk to your daughter 3-5 times per day? Really? Tears of frustration....No, I don't want to hear about your eldest son who's stupid as a box of rocks and used to do unseemly things involving someone very close to me when this person was a child. No touching that I know of, but other, indecent and horrible things, that she either doesn't know about or is in denial about. Yeah bitch, your kids ain't perfect. Tears of bitterness....No wonder I'm always craving salt - I lose most of it onto my face.... I'm trying to deal with the unacceptable fact that another person very close to me is losing his battle with the violent demons of addiction that he's been fighting for over 15 years. Darkness surrounds him as he constantly weathers storms that are sometimes his fault and sometimes not his fault. Sometimes it's the Darkness that is killing him. Sometimes it's the drugs and alcohol. Sometimes it's the self-hatred, sometimes it's the guilt that doesn't belong. Tears of helplessness.... I'm writing all this to get some release for my soul, not because I want pity. I feel pitted beneath the weight of mountains sometimes, which my faith is too weak to move. Tears of ineptness....