he looks different

He looks different now. He looks...old. His head is shaved. His skin is pallid. He looks tired, worn-out, exhausted and heartbroken. He's often lost in thought. You would be too if you had a death sentence hanging over your head. My dad, like many others, has cancer. It started in his prostate - he went to three specialists who told him it couldn't be cancer because of a radical procedure he had a few years prior to his diagnosis. By that time, he started slurring his words and couldn't see straight. His girlfriend, now wife, took him to the ER only to find out he had a large brain tumor. But the docs weren't worried. They said it was so big and in such an odd place that it couldn't be cancer. Wrong again. So now it's spread to his brain...then all the bones from his pelvis up...then to his kidney. Cancer is eating him alive. Did I mention what he does for a living? He's an oncologist/hematologist. Yup. He's spent his entire life helping other people deal with this terrible, horrifying, destructive disease and now it's slowly taking his life...We do feel blessed, as his initial prognosis was 1-2 years, and he's been around a little over 3 years. That, to me, is miraculous. He still works two days a week, but they're about to take that away from him b/c they need a full-time doc. What will he do then? He's lost his ability to do most of the things he loved to do - playing golf being one of the biggest. He can't travel much, can't walk too far, can't stand too long, can't sleep because of the incredible pain and the nausea from the chemo. Doesn't have much of an appetite. Doesn't even enjoy the sports that used to occupy much of his time - his beloved Packers and Wisconsin Badgers. But he is the strongest fighter I know. He does as much as he can, makes plans for the future and really rarely complains. He is an inspiration of the greatest kind to me....I'm trying. I'm trying to stay upbeat when I get to visit him. I'm trying to help him, but not too much - he's a very proud and stubborn man too. I'm trying to stay in the Now, enjoy the time I'm being blessed with him and stop thinking so much about the coming weeks, months, years. I'm trying to cut back on the tears I shed for him, the sobs that shatter my body. I'm trying to stop being in my head so much that I'm missing out on what's happening now. He lives in South Carolina and we're here now, my husband and I. Here Now. Making new memories. Sharing stories; he loves to talk about growing up and his high school and college years...Then he shares a story about one of the many nights I didn't come home because I was too drunk (though he didn't know that) and he was so worried he shut down his office and went down to the bar I was last seen at, which was by the Ohio river. He said, "If she's in there, I want to be the one to find her." I had no idea he had done that. I remember the night vividly though I can't recall how old I was. Weirdest part was that it wasn't the first time I'd stayed out all night without calling. My mom was a mess too. I feel awful about that and lots of other things I've done in my life that caused them panic, shame or anger. I'm trying not to do that anymore...though I am a 40+ year old, I know I can still cause pain. And still do.