Zero inspiration

Zero inspiration is what I have right now. Not to write. Not to work (if I had it). Not to exercise (but when have I ever?). I only want to listen to Bobby Weir's beautiful voice streaming through my headphones. I wish Jerry and the Dead were still around. I can't believe it's been almost 19 years since Jerry died. I knew I would never wane in my love for that band, and seeing/hearing Bobby again recently renewed that fire. He still sings like an angel, even if he dresses like a homeless person. I don't care. I just want to listen to him sing...It brings joy to my heart and a smile to my lips, which doesn't happen very often these days. I've had some horrible things happen to me in the past, but I also used to have a lot of fun and thrilling times. I don't get that thrill anymore and it brings me down. I need a break from this constant depression. I need a break from living in Atlanta and I've only been here a year and a half. I need a break from being in my 40s. I need the thrills of dating rock stars, going on Dead tour, seeing live music several nights a week and dancing like a noodle in boiling water. I need the thrill of jumping out of an airplane, of dancing on stage with the Grateful Dead, the fast pace of LA, and working in the TV industry. I've done some very cool things in my life, which should replace all the bad memories, but they don't. I'm too busy living in my head, reliving even high school parties and always drinking too much (not saying I want to drink like I used to though...I was a problem drinker). I need the thrill of going to Autzen Stadium with my stah to watch our Ducks play, having happy hours every Thursday, and becoming a vegetarian. I need to DO things. We just don't have the money I wish we had to do what I need to do. And honestly, I can't live my life doing all these things without some income. Ahh to be an heiress. I don't just want to do these things, I need to do these things. Jerry is dead so I'll never feel that anticipation and pure ecstasy of a Grateful Dead show. Phish and My Morning Jacket and Bobby are close, but it's just not the same. I am not in my 20s anymore, so I can't go out drinking and partying like I used to. The absolutely best, most thrilling thing in my life is my marriage to my soul mate. And I'm not complaining about my marriage...except perhaps that I keep seeming to try and sabotage it somehow. He is the best thing to ever happen to me, dancing onstage with the Grateful Dead be damned. Though that's second for sure...I'm just scared. Scared of getting old. Scared of being bored. Scared of my loved ones dying or dying myself. Scared of all the shit in this world and that has dulled me to the core. They say money can't buy happiness, but being wealthy with my husband would absolutely make me happy. I think. Maybe I'm not meant to be happy. Uh oh. I'm getting into the Victim stage right now. Sorry....changing subjects to....I got a blank space where my mind should be (Phish)... What a shitty entry.