I never knew how badly heartbreak could feel. Oh, I've had my set of heartbreaks and I never thought the first one could be topped....But this one is obviously different from an 18-year-old getting dumped by a guy she thought she loved. THIS, this, is true heartbreak. And I know I'll have to go through it several more times and that terrifies me. Yeah, people tell me I'm stronger than I think, but I don't necessarily believe them - even if included in that group is a counseling pastor and a therapist and my husband and my best friend for years and years.
I shed so many tears today, I must be drinking a gallon of water to make up for it. This weekend is Labor Day weekend, and laborious it will be. This is my Dad's memorial/funeral/celebration of his life. Whatever you call it, the truth is still shining brightly as a spotlight on my life. My dad is dead. I'm dreading this weekend as though I were going...to my dad's funeral. It will be nice to see my cousins and uncles, though I would be remiss to say the only person I'd really like to see there is my uncle's ex, K. It would be good for my soul and spirit to hang out with her for a while and talk. She'd put things in perspective and I'd just be so happy to see her, it might reduce my anxiety.
I absolutely abhor the idea that I didn't get to say goodbye properly. I'm always going to wonder if he knew I wasn't there and what he thought about that. I'm always going to wonder how horrifying it was to see him in his last days and hours. I'll never know, and that's for the best, but I'll still always wonder.
