it's close to 1:30 in the morning, August 10. The bizarre barrage of rain, thunder and lightning has finally stopped. I was asleep, curled up next to Mr. X, then I awoke and my brain became a power train of thoughts. Mostly about him.
He is gone now. Gone for real. Gone for good. Went away at July 19th, which was a Saturday, I believe. Mr. X and I were laying on our couches, watching some TV show, I don't recall which, but I heard Mr. X's phone go off a couple of times. then the last time that night. he came over and laid on top of me and whispered.
Dad's gone.
I just lay there, no tears, not much of a reaction. besides, it can't be true, can't be real. he can't have gone. I never said goodbye.
I probably talked to him one more time after our extremely short Father's Day conversation. And that conversation, the last one, wasn't much longer. He sounded terrible. his voice was crackling like he was parched from being in the desert for a week. He sounded weak, not the strong, stoic Dad I was used to talking to.
But when I reacted to Mr. X's words, I surprised myself. After 3 1/2 years of waiting, mourning, crying, sobbing, thinking the worst, it finally happened and I basically didn't react at all. I was in complete denial.
After 3 weeks of living in a drug-induced surreal world, people are starting to worry about me. I worry about me. I just want to feel numb. I don't want to feel my grief or sorrow or anger or confusion. I have found myself randomly crying now, easily agitated, and paralyzed with feelings I don't even know how to describe.
Then there's the life insurance policy that mom essentially stole from us kids. We agreed to let it go after a lot of talk between the 5 of us, then the 4 of us, during which time mom called us money hungry and told me to get my act together and get a real job. But I won't lie and say I'm not still pissed and still think it's bullshit.
She forced Dad's hand during the divorce proceedings to sign it over to her. her excuse is so her kids won't have to take care of her financially. Well, if that's her excuse, then so be it. we won't take care of her financially. She just better remember this...R needed the money the most so he can get out of his living situation, B1 needs it desperately to live, pay off his student loans and have some cash, I need it for bills, student loans and to live on.
That's another reason I'm so depressed. I got another call for an interview for a show in LA. Where oh where were you two years ago. I feel with this pittance of an assistant job that's paying me $15/hour that I am getting farther and farther away from my production career. well, I'm getting a headache and i need to be up soon for Church. I better get going .
peace out,,,
